In film studies, first and foremost is language. It is funny that the exam-oriented pedagogy in China never teaches students real English. My first encounter with non-Chinese printed English words shocked me in the sense that words do actually compose a literature-like text other than examination. Three-year high school without even the slightest reference to the Western ideology, when I came to Canada with a bulk of knowledge consisting solely of propaganda, I found myself caught up between being an art-lover and a bad student.

As I eventually learned authentic English and criticism, I was like a crab forced to crawl vertically: teachers assume that every student is familiar with critical writing, a fundamental subject that CEGEPs offer as preparation for university. In China, however, criticism is considered dissent, voice no orthodox schools want to hear; love for movies is fiddling that no good students want to waste their time on.

Falling behind both internally and externally, with an intensive workload adds to the burden; to complete logic and poetic in not-so-naïve sentences is a task, competing with people who use their first language in a field of study where the beauty as well as the rationality of language plays the most important part. Even though every professor accepts papers written in French if the students are not confident of their English, this is a privilege a student like me can never enjoy.

On the level of personal life, language is also a true obstacle for outsiders. The bilingual environment in Monteal is charming and at the same time demanding. The "retiring" and "shy" Chinese stereotype as observed by Eric Liu is crucially due to the middling proficiency of the language (Liu 51). Most of the time, I just don't get the punch line. The contemplation of expressing my feelings is drawn back by sentence structure and verb agreement; insensitiveness of English words makes me a dull person. Deep down inside, a voice is shouting: I really mean it when I say "interesting"!

Culture-related backgrounds are like blind spots to me. For example, I never understand why every film student is so crazy about Star Wars or the profound impact the 70's has had on pop culture. What does "how are you" really mean to people who say and respond it? Even if I look up to them, the understanding is forged, theoretical than empirical. 

Sadly, culture has come to embrace its status of oblivion. China has become the world machine and seems to be happy about it. The quotidian banality "made in China" means nothing more than bad quality. To look at our neighbor, Japan, who does not have integrated history of philosophy will only yield envy. The Chinese are, as they have always been, so engaged in reproducing and making a living that seldom do they create or meditate. What has the five thousand years of civilization left for the West? What will a westerner think of when s/he thinks of China? A bowl of General Tao chicken, I bet. And ironically, there is no such thing as General Tao chicken in China. It has been invented for the westerners specifically.

Culture determines language, and influences the way people think. I didn't know I was going to be assimilated when I came to Canada, and now I find myself trying so hard to get rid of my Chinese otherness. Objecting to parental expectation is just a beginning, and I know there is still a long way to go.

Works Consulted
Liu, Eric. The Accidental Asian. New York: A Division of Random House, 1998

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