Catharsis of a Narcissist


First and foremost, I must preface the fact that I revel in keeping to myself. Seldom do I enjoy discussing intimate thoughts with others and self-disclosure has always been painfully awkward for me. In order to understand my state of mind, it should be noted that I'm, ironically, in a constant struggle to hide nothing. That being said, I bare you my soul in the form of contemplative rambling.

My ultimate goal in life is to perceive myself realistically, i.e. to actually be who I think I am. As simple as it may seem, it is thus far proving to be the hardest task I've ever undertaken, considering the unpredictable nature of my ego. My greatest hindrance to attaining higher self-awareness has been the tendency to delude myself into believing things about myself that are completely untrue, both good and bad. Therefore, I believe the only way to come to terms with every facet of my existence as a human being is honesty. The experience that drove this point home was when I told my Catholic father on my eighteenth birthday that after three dreadful years of regular church attendance, I no longer wanted to go. Telling him I didn't believe in his God was devastating for him and strained our relationship for a while. Eventually, he understood because it was the straight truth, and we were well again, which taught me that sometimes good medicine tastes bad, even if its benefits aren't immediate. Honesty has been an essential quality for which I strive ever since. However, apostasy isn't the only way in which I've damaged relationships.

Though I am ashamed to admit it, I have been on some awful terms with a few people in my life. Such circumstances, some due to some visceral need of mine to be right, have led me to value the importance of reason. Honesty may come naturally, but being open-minded for me is an elusive virtue. What made me understand this particular lesson was a falling out I had with a good friend over the fact that I was associating with people he didn't like. Our friendship simply dwindled until we no longer even acknowledged each others' presence. As much as I couldn't stand the awkward discomfort around him, admitting I was wrong meant compromising my integrity. Few months later, his apology on Christmas Eve made me realize the sheer absurdity of having perpetuated this undesired cycle of negativity for so long, simply out of pride. I learned from then on that my ego mustn't get in the way of my relationships, or anything in life for that matter, and that logical reasoning should always take priority over attachment to one's opinions and emotions. Someday, I hope to strike this balance between being confident and humble in thought, but until then, the process of simultaneous learning and unlearning continues, one day at a time.

So there I lay bare the introspective thoughts for which I racked my brain. Though I can't help but slightly feel that it may all have been frivolous drivel, I hope my reluctant efforts to bring insight into my life were at least not entirely in vain. Self-discovery is a permanent work in progress and on that note, I should get to work.


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