How to Be a Terrible DJ

| 1 Comment

6294390842_7283bd178e_m.jpg(Photo: Flickr / Doha Qatar)

DJing can be a great way to make money, and convince people that you're musically inclined. Some DJs spend many hours and thousands of dollars buying vinyls, remixing songs, finding good artists, and creating thematic playlists. Luckily, you don't have to do that. This instruction set will outline how to quickly and easily use equipment, create mixes, and perform.

USB Turntable: A device that allows digital music to be altered the same way as a physical record. For example, a Traktor is a USB turntable.
Remix: Altering, adding, and/or re-arranging a song.
Chorus: The part of the song that repeats. Also referred to as 'the hook'.
Song key: The song's key is the predominant note, chord, or scale, which the song revolves around.
BPM: The beats per minute. Also referred to as the tempo.
Soundcloud: An online platform for distributing music.

(Photo: Flickr / Dru Kelly)

Get Equipment

  1. Find a local music store
  2. Buy a USB turntable, such as a Traktor
  3. Install software
    Caution: any laptop other than a Macbook will not get you street cred.

(Photo: Flickr / Julia Wolf)

Create a Library of Music

  1. Illegally download Top 40s and other overplayed music from the last 10 years
  2. Find the chorus of each song, and perhaps one verse
  3. Delete the rest
  4. Download sound effects that you can arbitrarily add over the music
    Note: Siren sounds and movie quotes are terrible things to sample
    Note: Illegally downloading music is illegal. Don't do it

(Photo: Flickr / Erin Young)

Make a Mix

  1. Combine the previously made 30-second clips into one long sequence
    Note: Songs in a similar key and/or with similar BPM usually transition well into another
  2. Don't pay attention to this.
    Instead, let songs abruptly stop, then cue siren sounds before beginning the next song

(Photo: Flickr / Neil Whitehouse)

Perform your Music

  1. Post your mix on
  2. Contact a club
  3. Make a poster with nauseating amounts of colour and widely varied font size
  4. Make a Facebook event and invite thousands of people despite their location

1 Comment

Your instructions are hilarious and the images made me laugh out loud. Well done!

Leave a comment